Reveal Cheating

How To Use The Staggered Approach To Confront Your Unfaithful Spouse

As mentioned in the previous section, The Staggered Approach is often the best method of confronting a potentially unfaithful spouse. Here’s how to use it, step by step.

Step 1: Okay, you learnt how to tell if your spouse or partner is unfaithful – whether it’s your wife, GF, BF, fiancé, whoever. You then used a journal or otherwise recorded unusual behaviour, moods, and signs of infidelity. You feel ready to deal with the problem. Now you’re here.

In a very casual manner, ask your partner (the potential unfaithful spouse) if there’s anything wrong. It may sound like a very non-direct and even slightly pointless question, but that’s the idea. The staggered approach works on the following principle: giving your partner every opportunity to admit their guilt (if they are guilty) is better than accusing them, scaring them off or otherwise making a mess of the confrontation phase. This first, casual question gives them a chance to admit what they’ve been doing. However, it’s unlikely they’ll come right out and do that, because – and, for the sake of discussion, we’re working on the assumption that they are guilty of cheating – they’ve worked too hard and crept around behind your back too much to simply admit what they’ve been up to.

But, what they might do is give you clues in their response. They might be dismissive, answer monosyllabically. Or, wonder why you’re asking and not mind entering into a longer conversation with you on the topic. You must gauge whatever they do and how they respond, and store that information in your mind.

Step 2:  Now you begin to step it up, continue the staggered confrontation approach. Pick an area of his/her unusual behaviour which could, if they are cheating on you, signal his or her infidelity; for example, your sex life. They may have an increased (due to guilt) or decreased (due to fear of being rumbled) sex drive. Ask them something along the lines of:

“Is there anything wrong at moment, darling? I’ve noticed you’re not quite yourself sometimes when we make love.” Phrase the question in the way you usually talk with your partner, including whatever pet name you may have for them and using whatever terminology you usually use for sex.

Again, make the question sound simple and casual, maybe even adding it onto a made-up story about one of your friends who’s been having problems themselves, or whatever the issue you’ve chosen might be. That way, it won’t feel like you’ve plucked the topic out of thin air, which could startle your partner and affect the way they respond.

This question lays on more pressure than the first because (again, we’re assuming they ARE cheating for the sake of explanation) your partner knows subconsciously that they’re guilty and that the real reason their sex drive is down, or why they’re really late home from work on Fridays, or whatever the aspect or sign of infidelity you’ve chosen is, is because they’re cheating on you.

Once again, phrase it so it sounds innocent, almost like a passing thought as opposed to a probing question.

And, again, gauge their response. People who aren’t guilty of cheating are much more likely to willingly respond to this kind of question in detail than those that are being disloyal. After all, innocent people have nothing to hide, no secret to protect and no accusations to fear.

Regardless of how your partner responds, even if they incriminate themselves further, don’t accuse them of cheating just yet. Stick to using the staggered technique.

Step 3: Okay, you’re stepping it up further now. What you must do, during a normal conversation with your spouse, is mention that someone you know (but not a mutual friend you both know), perhaps a work colleague, admitted to you that they’re cheating on their partner. When you mention this fact, don’t appear to judge the fictional cheater. In fact, give it a gossipy tone. Cheaters usually react in a certain way when cheating, as a topic of conversation, is mentioned. They, understandably, don’t want to enter into a conversation that revolves around something they’re doing, trying to keep secret and probably feel a little guilty of at times. However, people who aren’t cheating tend to respond in a very different way. They, as so many people do, don’t mind asking questions and gossiping a little on the subject.

Again, gauge your partner’s response.

Step 4: Okay, let’s quickly recap on what’s happened so far in each stage of the staggered approach. First, you asked a very broad question: Is anything wrong? They probably didn’t give much away when they responded, but you noted what they said and how they reacted anyway. Second, you asked if anything was wrong in regards to a specific area of suspicion, such as why they have a lower sex drive, why they’re late home on a certain day of the week, or why the phone bill’s so high that month, etc. Again, you noted the way they reacted and whether they minded talking about whatever issue you raised. Third, you mentioned the subject of cheating using a THIRD-PARTY. Doing so is safe and at the same time a good way of testing your partner. You, again, took note of how they answered.

Okay, you’re about as ready as you’ll ever be to directly ask your partner what, if anything, is going on. Whether you have hard evidence, such as some unexplained underwear you found in their bag, or if you’ve used a journal and noted other signs of infidelity and then followed that up with the 4 steps of this staggered approach, you’re in a strong position. You’ve managed the risk of confronting them as much as you possibly can.

Now, here's the 5 golden rules of dealing with infidelity.


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